…you’re screwed. By life, I mean.
(This post is related to food/eating, I promise).
I have a huge chip on my shoulder about being young and married. As long as I can remember, I had always wanted to be single, and maybe with a partner, but never married. When I met D., I knew that we would be together for~eeeevvvver 🙂 (saying this totally pragmatically; our personalities match so much that it’s just hard to imagine being able to put up with anyone but each other). But I still didn’t want to get married. The good thing about love is that it makes the idea of marriage tolerable. Still, I don’t like marriage as a concept, an institution that we have to subscribe to. I know it seems preposterous for me to scoff at a right others can’t even take for granted, but marriage as a whole is just not what I believe in.
That being said, I am, well, married. For a variety of reasons, we decided to get married, and to do so a lot earlier than we would want to. But like I said, as a couple, we are just so comfortable with the idea of being together forever 🙂 that it really doesn’t bother us that much if we have to make it legal/official. And I mean it does not bother me that I am bound to this person, technically for the rest of my life, legally, in paperwork. It doesn’t affect much who I am as a person either, because nothing has changed within or between us, and I’m very glad that it is so. What bothers me is just by wearing a ring on my finger, I now wear a few dozen more assumptions people make about me. Co-workers don’t ask me to drinks a lot of times, assuming I have to go home to my husband. Fellow volunteers at farms constantly, and I mean, CONSTANTLY, ask me where my husband is, assuming we do every fucking thing together. Friends are surprised if I go to dinner parties by myself, because apparently it is weird to show up without your husband.
Like, what the fuck?
So what if my husband is an accomplished cook who can take care of meals himself, and doesn’t care in the least if he eats alone sometimes? So what if he doesn’t like farming and I do and he won’t stop me from doing what I like? So what if my husband is an introvert who would only go to parties, even dinner parties, from time to time? Or, holy fuck, what if I am an independent woman with interests and friends of my own, despite being married?
And of course, I always get the initial wide-eyed look when people know how old I am (27) and that I’m married. Note also that while people in committed relationships are still treated somewhat as independent entities, married people are not. My paranoia has come to the point where one time at an important work event, I removed my ring for a few minutes, fearing these new people I haven’t met would judge me.
I was telling a friend yesterday that 5 out of 10 DIY/craft/furniture-making blogs I found out there belong to a young married Mormon woman living in Utah (not a lie – this apparently has become a stereotype, “moving to Utah and starting a blog”). Aside from the fact that it’s hilarious how it is totally a thing there, these women are chic, stylish, creative, and happy. They are proud of being young and married. They have a supportive community, understandably. I haven’t lived in a Mormon community as a young married woman, but from what I read, it must be nice.
But I’m not Mormon, and neither are the people in my social circles. We don’t live in Utah. So the next time someone says “but you have your husband at home” or “where’s your husband?”, I’m going to literally cut a bitch.