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黙ってくれ!私は私の食べ物をよく知ってるから!

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In the past few days I’ve heard some of the most ridiculous things people say about food, completely void of common sense. It’s funny how much that could get me riled up, because as I point out to them that they are wrong and they think I’m crazy, I take it to mean that I don’t know my food. Ok, I don’t know the food of, um, Africa, or Turkey, but are you saying I don’t know my Vietnamese food? Or something so basic as chocolate and milk? Ok, I don’t know my math, you can insult me however you want about my math. But when it’s common sense food knowledge that I have experience with, and have tested (albeit with a small sample), AND let me reiterate, is common sense, it sort of offends me when people imply I don’t know jack. Here are some common sense things that I thought might benefit people. Until you provide me *concrete proof* otherwise, I refuse to believe in nonsense that defies logic.

– Putting milk and chocolate together doesn’t make it fucking sweet. Some chocolate has sugar in it, but if you’re telling me there is not sugar in your chocolate, that your chocolate is 100% cocoa, and your hot chocolate is sweet like starbucks, I call bs. Try putting anything beyond 85% cocoa into your milk and come back and tell me if the milk fucking reacts with the chocolate and make it fucking sweet.

– Vanilla is a fucking bean. It is also not sweet. Like a sweetener, I mean. Vanilla extract is another story. But if we’re talking vanilla beans, no it is not sweet.

– Cinnamon is a fucking tree bark. Also not sweet. Please dump the whole cinnamon jar onto your tongue and tell me if it’s the same as dumping a whole jar of sugar.

– Lychee is a fruit and like most fruits, it is sweet when ripe and sour when unripe. You know, like, any other common fruit. Like mango. Like plum. Like kiwi. Like some apples. Heck, like TOMATO. Some things are bland when unripe (papaya, certain kinds of mango, nectarine), some things are forever bland (cactus fruit), some things are forever sour ( lime,lemon – but even Meyer lemon gets fucking sweet when it’s ripe). It’s…I don’t know, logic. Fruits ripen, get sweet, and attract other animals to eat it etc. etc.

I blame my still coming period on this rage. Sometimes I rage because I’m insecure. Sometimes I rage because of hormones. But I pride myself on knowing the basics of logic (doesn’t mean I always follow it), and my food. Don’t cross me on my food, or I will cook you!

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